The Transmutation of Shame

Who benefits from your shame?

It’s an interesting question. The first thing we need to do is acknowledge the simple fact that shame exists. Our culture conditions us to avoid it. To judge it. To turn away from it as soon as it shows itself.

Under the framework of DBT emotions exist because they serve functions.

What is the function of shame?

Perhaps to inform us when we’ve crossed essential boundaries. Within ourselves and/or within others.

Hypothetically: I disappoint my child. He has a recital and I don’t show. He’s disappointed and upset. I’m embarrassed and ashamed.

In one framework, I “should” feel ashamed. He had a right to expect I’d be there. I had a responsibility to be there. When I didn’t show his rights were violated by my failure to meet my responsibility.

The shame can serve to improve both of us, though. If I interpret the experience as information, rather than a punishment, I can decide to respond from a place of skill. The shame can serve to improve me, to improve my child, to improve our relationship and to improve society.

If I take the shame as information that I didn’t perform my job as a parent well enough then I can develop ways to improve:

Better scheduling?

Better transportation?

Better emotional coping?

Whatever the problem was that caused me to miss the recital.

I can also acknowledge to my child that I messed up and that his emotional experience of sadness and anger is valid. In fact, it’s a good thing. Because it means he feels that he’s important enough to be upset when he’s let down.

We don’t get angry if we don’t think we’re worthy of it. We would feel apathy or indifference.

I can validate the child and he can learn that even if he has an unpleasant emotional experience he’s still a being worthy of dignity and respect. He also learns that I'm a safe person to express anger to. That he can voice his displeasure when his needs aren’t met and his world will hear him and adjust.

If he can do it with me he’ll have practice doing it with others: with bosses, with spouses, with friends.

Then he becomes a skillful person who teaches OTHER people how to treat him with dignity and respect. Then they learn how to be respectful and responsible to him. Or maybe they don’t and he feels empowered to exit abusive relationships. That’s helpful as well.

Because of my child’s skill the people around him benefit. They may not be comfortable with the lesson but they’ll still benefit. So will he.

This is how we can shift a shame experience into a net-gain for everyone.