Reflecting on Ableism

The George Sipley storyline in the television show Six Feet Under is difficult for me to watch. He descends into vulnerability. A mental health crisis. Psychosis. Depression.

His wife responds with resentment. With anger. She wants to distance herself from his need.

He didn’t choose to be in crisis. He needs compassion and support but can’t tell her what to do. He can’t educate her about what he needs. Because he’s in crisis.

I’ve been in periods of crisis where I needed help but the reaction was irritation/resentment/anger.

It’s terrifying to feel helpless and out-of-control. To have one's consciousness and awareness be locked in a body and a mind that will not cooperate. It felt like being underwater or in an aquarium and trying to scream at the people on the outside. Such distance and filter between me and the world. A terrifying, life-threatening disconnect between what I was feeling and what was happening.

It’s made worse when your helpers respond by minimizing or invalidating or getting irritated. It’s so easy to understand that one’s needs are imposing on others. That being in crisis means taking up too much valuable space and effort.

If people can’t tolerate their insufficiencies they’ll sometimes project them onto the vulnerable beings. This serves to distance themselves from their failure to know what to do and put it on a more comfortable target. The target becomes the person with the need. Not the person who can’t understand or meet the need. Maybe this is at the core of ableism.

Doctors. Spouses. Friends. Bosses. Coworkers. Everyone has a thread within them that craves distance from frailty. And we perceive it.